Jokes about Government, Celebrities, Food & animals

Michael Jackson and the Waiting Game

Michael Jackson was with his wife, who just had their first child, in the hospital recovery room. Michael asked the doctor, "So how soon can we have sex?" The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 12".

Before They Were Stars

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do". The kid tells some jokes, does a little softshoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian". "'Scuse me?" questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low, the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it". "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" "Dick Van Dyke."

Albert Einstein

Back before he became an instantly recognized celebrity, when Albert Einstein was first making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Washington D.C.

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the US Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

PRESIDENT

The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories. --Sam Donaldson

WARNING -- WARNING -- WARNING -- WARNING

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia announced today that the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides.

CLINTON

"Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine."

The Top 16 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeves About College

16. Every time she cuts her 8am class, CNN switches to a live feed from the lecture hall.
15. PoliSci textbook only contains pictures from her "dumpy" years. 14. Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity search of potential dates.
13. No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater documents.
12. Daddy won't sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill.
11. No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton.
10. Steamy make out sessions usually end with the guy getting his ass kicked by the Secret Service.
9. Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks.
8. Every boy who hits on her winds up on a "peacekeeping force" in Bosnia within 48 hours.
7. Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel usually refer to physical resemblance.
6. Bourbon shots not free like the ones "Uncle Ted" serves back home.
5. Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter.
4. Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll.
3. RA's write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight.
2. Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore and The Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College...
1. The man makes 200 grand a year -- you'd think he could bring his own weed when he visits.

Just in from Associate Pressed:

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Snap, Crackle & Pop, Uncle Ben, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flour as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 450 for about 20 minutes.

FLASH---FLASH---FLASH

In a related story, another tragedy: It was reported yesterday that the California Raisins were found murdered in their recording studio in Fresno. The perpetrator has been apprehended; he is reportedly a cereal killer.

Look it up

A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda": "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Delicious Apples

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying

"Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit." The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

A Farmer and His Pigs

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc....
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

The Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. The plane takes off and levels out at 30,000 feet and the staff start serving drinks. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, NOW!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky, NOW!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your butt!" Within minutes, he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are cocky."

Aye Chihuahua!

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

Cojones A La Mode

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "you see the bull, he does not always lose."

Three Parrots

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to do legal research. The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win in any court on any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call it Senior Partner".

Milk'n The Cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. "Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

Henry the Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy." "Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

Parrots in Prostitution

A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BEADS AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

Energizer Bunny Found Dead

The world was stunned today by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe death occurred at approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives was alone at the time of death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over stimulation. Apparently someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming..........

"No substitute for experience"

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Deceptive Appearances

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a doggie treat, and gives it to the dog. The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog." The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick the dog's ass - I'm just trying to learn which end is which."

Clinton was disappointed that none of his "picks" made it to Final Four:

Ball State
MoreHead State
Oral Roberts Univ
Bringem Young Univ.

DEAR DIARY" (Monica's)

Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.

Entry 2 Dear Diary, You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

Entry 3 Dear Diary, I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.

Entry 4 Dear Diary, He really likes me.

Entry 5 Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)

Entry 6 Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

Entry 7 Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

Entry 8 Dear Diary, Oh-Oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.

Entry 9 Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

Entry 10 Dear Diary, I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

Entry 11 Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.

Entry 12 Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by-he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."

Entry 13 Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.

Entry 14 Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no brainer!)

Entry 15 Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

Entry 16 Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But then they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.

Entry 17 Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safesex!

Entry 18 Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!

Entry 19 Dear Diary, I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In-And-Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.

"Why?","Do?","What?"

Why does Hillary wear the pants in the Clinton family?
Because Bill can't keep his on.

Do you know the definition of a virgin in the White House?
A woman who can run faster than the president.

Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

Presidents

What did Arafat say to Clinton last night ? "Sheep don't talk, my friend" What did Clinton say when he heard Monica Lewensky talking to the press? "Now she opens her mouth!" Various Insights: Was Monica Lewinsky the "head intern" ? Does this mean "BUSH" will finally defeat Clinton?

Famous presidential quotes: -

"Ich bin ein Berliner" -- John F Kennedy

"I'm not a crook" -- Richard Nixon

"Tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev" -- Ronald Reagan

"Read my lips" -- George Bush

"Suck my dick"-- William J Clinton

Monica

There was a young intern named Monica, Who knew what she wanted for Hanukkah. She accepted a dress, But made quite a mess, By playing on Bill's harmonica.

????!!!

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again."

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times.......but he didn't come.

White House Aides

Most Americans think it's outrageous that a man Mr. Clinton's age was getting sex from a 21-year-old. However, he did get a nice phone call from Woody Allen. Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex. Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides. Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "polling your constituents."

Here are four collections of Bill Clinton jokes ( compiled ):

Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village! The President was out jogging when a hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!"

Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

CLINTON JOKES

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? Want to come to the Oval Office and see the Executive Branch? What did Ted Kennedy say to Bill Clinton? What are you worried about? At least she's not dead. Did you hear that the name of the State of the Union address has been changed? From now on Clinton will give a State of the Unit address. Do you know what the newest game in the White House is? Swallow the leader. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic. Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich get caught up in a twister and end up in Oz. When the dust settles and they realize where they are, Quayle says, "I'm going to see the Wizard to ask for a brain". Gingrich adds, "And I'm going to ask for a heart". Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy". President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it."

Excuses

11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top
10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV
9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16
8. Hey, At least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers
7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office
6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname
5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90's, I sent her E-MAIL!
4. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton.
2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -- oops, I mean it was in my genes. AND for those of you who remember the famous "I DIDN'T INHALE" comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse.......................
1. "I didn't insert"

Useless questions

If a Kennedy hits a tree in the forest and no one is there to see it...
does he make a sound????

Q. What does a squirrels and Michael Kennedy have in common?
A. They both crack their nuts on a tree.

Q. How old was the tree that Michael nailed?
A. Fourteen

Q. What was Michael's approach to skiing?
A. Dead on

Q. What does a 14-year-old babysitter in Massachusetts and a tree in Colorado have in common?
A. They both got hit on by a Kennedy.

Q. What is 10lbs and didn't get plucked this Thanksgiving?
A. John Denver's guitar.

Q. What is John Denver doing right now?
A. Decomposing.

Q. Why is it a tragedy that John Denver died?
A. Because he didn't have Barry Manilow with him.

Q. What did John Denver say to his daughter before take-off?
A. Remember to feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish.

Q. What do Princess Di and Mother Theresa have in common?
A. Tickets to the John Denver concert.

Q. What did Ted Kennedy say to Mary Jo Koepkne when she asked him if he was going to leave his wife and live with her?
A. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Q. Why did it take Ted so long to report the drowning at Chappaquitic?
A. It took him several dives to get Mary Jo's clothes back on.

Q. Why is Heaven losing money?
A. Cause Rock Hudson is blowing all the Prophets.

Q. Why did John Lennon get shot?
A. Yoko ducked.

Q. What did Yoko say when Lennon was shot?
A. Ono! - Ono! - Ono!

Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A. They both live off dead Beatles.

Q. What's rich, ugly and sleeps alone?
A. Yoko Ono

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like to stay at Holiday Inn when traveling on tour?
A. Because kids under 14 stay free.

COMMENTS FROM THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM

The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories. --Sam Donaldson

If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote. --Newt Gingrich

What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing. --Kenneth Starr

The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury. --Monica Lewinsky

Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster? --Marv Albert

The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern. --OJ Simpson

If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done. --Vernon Jordan

The president should take up skiing. --Al Gore

If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker. --Saddam Hussein

Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked. --George Stephanopoulos

In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper. --Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright

Albert Einstein

Back before he became an instantly recognized celebrity, when Albert Einstein was first making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Raiders player

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away - ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade to a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away - ka-blooey! a car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight . . . " The old lady pauses, in tears. " . . . I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

Common

What do Barry Switzer and Bill Clinton have in common? They're both from Arkansas and they both regret meeting folks with the last name of Jones.

The gretest hits

What was Sonny Bono's greatest hit??
The pine Tree......

Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?
After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.

HOW DO YOU GET RID OF UNWANTED POLITICIANS WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW?? TEACH THEM HOW TO SKI....NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET SADDAM HUSSEIN TO PICK UP THE SPORT....DOES HILLARY KNOW HOW TO SKI ?? ( bad, real bad ) HOW ABOUT GINGRICH ???

PRESIDENT BANS TREES

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Clinton today announced an executive order banning all trees from public accessible recreation areas. The order comes on the heels of the tree-inflicted deaths of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono. The FBI and the Department of the Interior are conducting an investigation to determine whether there is an active conspiracy among trees and related foliage to assassinate mundane politicians or if it's just a lucky break for comedians.

BOX SCORE:

CELEBRITY SKIING TREES--------------2
CELEBRITIES---0

Duet sung together by Michael Kennedy & Sonny Bono

(to the tune of: "I got you Babe")
PINE TREES HURT BABE I don't know, but I been told, that skiing's not a good idea when you're old.... Well, I don't know if all that's true, but I believe that wood's not all that good for you...

What's the difference between Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy?
About five days.

Michael Kennedy
A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....
"Plant A Tree....Kill A Kennedy...."

To the tune of I've Got You Babe:

They say politicians ...
seldom agree,
So why'd we go and hit the same damn tree?
You had your football, out on the slope,
But I've no excuse,
I guess I'm just a dope...
Trees...
We hate trees, babe...
We hate trees, babe...
We hit trees, babe...
Michael, my friend,
though we seldom agree,
Now we're together
for all e-tern-ity.
So now I tell you,
Solemnly,
That Ted, my friend,
you really cannot ski...
Trees...
We hate trees, babe...
We hate trees, babe...
We hit trees, babe...

Michael Kennedy joins in:

Sonny, my friend,
I hope God's a Democrat,
Or I'm in big trouble,
For womanizing,
lying, And lots of things like that...
Trees...
We hate trees, babe...
We hate trees, babe...
We hit trees, babe...

(Back to Bono)

Mike, my friend,
Don't worry 'bout a thing,
Cuz I'm in worse trouble,
If God's ever heard me sing...
Trees...

Thoughts

"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down."

- Robert Benchley

~~~ MORE ~~~

* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
* Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
* When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
* When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
* Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
* Take naps and stretch before rising.
* Run, romp and play daily.
* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
* Be loyal.
* Never pretend to be something you're not.
* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
* When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
* Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
* On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
* On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
* When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
* No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ...run right back and make friends.
* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

Athletes

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So, Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?" Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?" Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback." Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Dallas and the Cowboy work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Aikman looks perplexed, looks around, thinks a minute, and finally says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Switzer ( with his tv disgusted face) says, "OK." During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Sanders: " Troy, that's easy. It's me!" After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer. "Coach, I think I've got it... My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders." Switzer (his face tv angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!"

Circus

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leapt into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage. Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act, think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

Look Down

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. Only two answered correctly---one of them with this: You never want to look down unless you are BILL CLINTON

The parrot

A Jewish guy is having marital problems. He goes to his He and the wife are not communicating at all. They haven't had sex in a long time. He goes to his Rabbi. And the Rabbi says, " You are lucky. If you saw my wife, you wouldn't want to have sex." " Okay, Okay. You need a pet, like a dog, to keep you company, and make you feel better, and when you relax, things will come around. Remember, it comes to he who waits." " I've been waiting so long, sometimes I forget what I am waiting for." " Go down to the pet store at the mall and get a pet." So he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my putz, you dummy." The guy is startled and says, "You hold on with your pecker?1?! What a talented Parrot with the way you use your schmecle, and you certainly talk well." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish. I went to Rabbical school." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you value your dollar, offer the offay $20 for me---I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but your brother Hymie came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts." The guy says, "Hymie did??!!" The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says, "Oh Vay! What happened next?!?" The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Voice activated car radio

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and noticed that there appeared to be only one station. She angrily turned around and headed back to the dealer. Once at the showroom, she found her salesman and excitedly explained that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she was able to tune in only one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and explained that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music she wanted and the tuner would find it. Pleased, she got back into the car, started the engine and then said the word, "country", and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. Satisfied she started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said, "rock n roll". The station changed frequency and The Rolling Stones was heard from the speakers. Delighted, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman shouted angrily, "Asshole!". And the radio cut in to the middle of a Bill Clinton press conference.

Wally

Wally was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view. "That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure," responded Wally, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond. "I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Wally gypped the hell out of you," his wife said. "You are such a fool." Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog. Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Wally. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Wally cried "YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could fucking shake a stick at."

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne. God asks Al: "What do you believe?" Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the = whole earth will die." God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you = believe?" Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be = empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to = do." God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you = believe?" Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."

A new Amendment

One night as Bill Clinton sits in the Oval Office, he is visited by Jesus Christ. Shocked, he falls to his knees and asks Jesus, "Oh Jesus, I know I have sinned to a degree, but I never thought it was BAD enough for you to come here. It's hard for me to control myself and my sins, but what can I do for you to repent?" Jesus replies, "I have come here, at the request of God, to deliver a message with a chore for you." "What is it that you ask of me?" asks Clinton. Jesus responds, "God would like for you to add an Eleventh Amendment to the Bible." Really surprised, Clinton asks, "He would like me to add an amendment to the Bible? Wouldn't the Pope be a more appropriate leader to do this sort of thing?" "Yes," says Jesus, "but because he is old, and you are the leader of the most powerful nation in the world, God would like you to do it." Clinton says, "Well okay. But what is the message to the Amendment?" Jesus replies, "Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff."

Safe sex

Do you know how Clinton practices safe sex?
He leaves the wrapper on the cigar...
Oops.

Misundersanding

Monica walked into the Oval Office one day to find the Prez rolling on the floor, tearing his hair, generally throwing a tantie. Monica: "Mr. President, what's wrong?" The Prez: "It's these god dam budget efficiencies. They're driving me crazy. Now they want me to sack Jemima. That woman has been my chef for 20 years. I brought her here from Little Rock. She's the only one who knows how I like my fries, only she knows the precise time to boil my eggs. She's more than a chef, she's my friend. I can't do it." Monica: "Mr. President, is there anything I can do?" The Prez: "Yes, would you mind sacking my cook?" So you see, it's all a misunderstanding.

Republican

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican?" "Because, you damn fool, if he was a Democrat, he'd be in the White House screwing somebody!"

Johnny Cochrane's top ten defenses for Bill Clinton:

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he don't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, then you must acquit
7. If she wasn't spread eagle, then it ain't illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill won't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill's not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
1. If the sex is just oral, it ain't really immoral

TOP TEN POSSIBLE TITLES FOR MONICA LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK:

10. What Really Goes Down In The White House
9. How I Blew It In Washington
8. Secret Services to the President
7. Deep Inside The Oval Office
6. Going Back for Gore
5. Head Chief of Clinton's Staff!
4. How To Beat Off the Government
3. Going Down and Moving Up
2. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
and number one
1. Me and My Big Mouth

POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK:

I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore Podium
Girl Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get a Head in Business..

Male Stages

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 bourbon
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave AGE

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17
25
25
35
35
48
66
48
66
17

AGE IDEAL DATE

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Female stages

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

Why do?

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They won't stop for directions.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on there back?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains then dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Clinton's infidelity

For all of you that were so disturbed about tales of Clinton's infidelity you'll be relieved to read this! This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking Mexican. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the Mexican cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. He undid his trousers and ran in, whereupon he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees! As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice, "Monica, Please sack my cook!" And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Top Ten Bill Clinton Tips For a Happy, Healthy Marriage

10. Try not to preface sex with, "Do I have to?"
9. Don't embarrass her in front of the entire world -- women hate that.
8. Never ever ever wife-swap with the Shalalas.
7. Every few months, let her run the country.
6. If you must smoke cigars, get an actual humidor.
5. Six key words: deny, deny, deny, apologize, apologize, apologize. 4. Have them geniuses at Nasa develop a space ray that makes her forget what a bastard you are.
3. Remember, it takes two people to maintain a cold, loveless marriage of convenience.
2. Celebrate anniversary with a passionate night of lovemaking, and let her know how it went.
1. Don't get caught.

It was nice to see the Cabinet get behind the President. Especially when Madeline Albright and Janet Reno said that they know the President is innocent because, "He never tried anything with us."

Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?
A. Pardon me.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Jack turns to Stevie and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top10 again so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's your golf game?" Jack replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a good living. I have had some minor problems with my swing but I think I've got that straightened out." Stevie says: "I always find that when my swing goes bad I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Jack says: "You play golf!" Stevie says: "Yes, I have been playing for years." And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" Stevie replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards the sound of his voice." "But how do you putt", says Nicklaus. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "I've seen you play Jack and my handicap will match yours!." Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it carefully and says "OK, I'm up for that -- when would you like to play?" "I don't care", says Stevie, "Any night next week is ok with me."

Air Force One Final annoucement

As Air Force One is on final approach and the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the intern to the upright position. We're two minutes from touch down."

US Presidential Quiz

(answers below)

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his reelection campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?

9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the 'other' president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)?

11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?

12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?

ANSWERS 1. John F. Kennedy 2. Bill Clinton 3. Lyndon B. Johnson 4. Thomas Jefferson 5. Bill Clinton 6. Andrew Jackson 7. George Washington 8. Franklin D. Roosevelt 9. Warren G. Harding 10. John F. Kennedy 11. Lyndon B. Johnson 12. Lyndon B. Johnson

[editor's note: looks like the Democrats are ahead on points]

Clinton

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington, DC, looking for guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President, thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally the people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, IT'S NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF! GO TO THE THEATRE."

TOP TEN THINGS CLINTON WILL DO AFTER IMPEACHMENT

10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her thirteen half-brothers and sisters.
9. A tour of the nations prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
8. Step one: appear on Oprah. Step two: hug Oprah. Step three: all is forgiven.
7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he smuggled out of the Pentagon.
6. Write book: The American Presidency: An Oral History.
5. Buy a Hooters franchise.
4. Buy a Burger King franchise.
3. Buy a Hooters franchise.
2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can't go around dropping their pants.
1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in.

President

The President takes the day off work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go out golfing. Bill gives the slip away from the Secret Service guys and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The President looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The President decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the President asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." Bill takes out a 3 wood and Wham! Hole in one. The President is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the President golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Andrews AFB, fire up Air Force One, file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at 4 AM, still unnoticed, at a casino. Bill says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the President asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $300,000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Clinton figures what the heck. Whoosh! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The President takes his winnings and his new buddy, First Frog, and heads back to DC. Bill sets the FF on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I, and the Democratic National Committee are forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss me." Bill figures why not, since after all, the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old girl named Monica. "And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my office."