Jokes in General

In this section you will find a wide selection of jokes of all kinds. Be ready to have fun and enjoy. Don't forget to close the door of your office, you might not want your boss to know that you are having fun at work.

Quotes

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look at a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wondered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

"Love is blind, Marriage is OK, divorce is the eye-opener!"

Ethnic

IF WE COULD SHRINK THE EARTH'S POPULATION TO A VILLAGE OF PRECISELY 100 PEOPLE, WITH ALL EXISTING HUMAN RATIOS REMAINING THE SAME, IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere and
8 Africans
70 would be non-white
30 white
70 would be non-Christian
30 Christians
50% of the world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people
(All six would be citizens of the USA)
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
80 would live in sub-standard housing
Only 1 would have a college education

Nature

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" Bee #1 asks.
"Not too good," says Bee 2. Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't we go down the corner and hang left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee 2 buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later bee apears to his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," he answers. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Inner-Racial

An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigman and informs his father that he has found a wonderful new, Jewish girldfriend and they are getting married. Naturally the father is upset. "Why don't you find a nice Indian girl?" It's not right for Indians to marry out." Anyway, I am sure that her parents feel the same way. Surely they are not thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law! "Not true!" replied the brave, "They like so much that they have already giving their daughter a new Indian name". "What name is that?" asks the father. "Sitting Shiva." Hey, if you don't know what a shiva is,
e-mail nanette@ziplink.net

Lewinsky

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after the operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine Miss Lewinsky." he said. She asked "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor." The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Quotes

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Nymphomaniac

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards the his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying today?" She turns a smiles, and says, "To the annual Nyphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." Whoa! He swallows hard, and instantly CRAZED with excitment! Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she is going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks onto his eyes, and says, "well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who romance women the best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."

New Barbie dolls hit the market just in time for Christmas

Admin Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men.. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

To Hungry

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I`ll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10.You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Halloween Party

10. Jack-o-lantern looks suspiciously like the neighborhood mailman's head.
9. A guy from Domino's delivers a pizza, and wins Best Costume.
8. As you are walking up to the door, your free Haloween Light from Fry's goes off just before you step in something.
7. You find out the hard way that the fog coming from the food bowl is not from dry ice, but from out of control sterno
6. They're serving haunted pancakes.
5. So-called ghost is just the old guy from the 1-800-collect commercials.
4. You say "nice crazy dwarf costume" to a guy and he says, "I'm Ross Perot, you bastard!"
3. It's your first Halloween party in prison, and you're the door prize.
2. A woman dressed as Lorena Bobbitt mistakes you for a guy dressed as John Bobbitt.
1. You see the guy dressed as President Clinton coming out of the bedroom with your wife.

The World's Shortest Books

29. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
28. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
27. The Wit and Wisdom of Mike Tyson
26. Tobacco Company Marketing Ethics
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Oakland - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men #8. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
7. "Diplomacy for the '90's" by Saddam Hussain
6. "Good Things an Ex-Wife Has To Say About Her Ex-Husband!" by Mary Ann Kennedy
5."Getting Along with Technology" by Ted Kaczynski
4. "Guide to Cheap Housing in Silicon Valley" by Larry Fargher
3. "No Bugs Software Introduced by Microsoft" by Steve McNally
2. "Milpitas Travel Guide"
1. Queen Elizabeth's Guide To Public Relations

Hats

Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Oakland Raiders hat over one breast. The second guy, a Green Bay Packers fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The third, a Dallas Cowboys fan then placed his hat over the woman's crotch. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Raiders hat and quickly placed it back on the appropriate man's head. He then picked up the Packers hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Dallas Cowboy hat then put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Dallas fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Damn, boy, I just can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Cowboy hats, there's an asshole under it."

How to prepare for the ski season:

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

How bout dem cowboyz!

1. What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?........A huddle.
2. Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?......The police.
3. Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore? It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
4. I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine.
5. The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
6. The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System": "Yes your Honor", "No your Honor".
7. The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year: 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
8. The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.
9. How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? Studying their Miranda Rights.
10. Michael Irvin may lose his job as wide receiver. The parolee containment device on his leg slows him down too much.

The Top 16 Things Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally

16. "If they make us do one more friggin' Macarena, I'm converting to Judaism."
15. "You guys up for happy hour at Hooters after we're done here?"
14. "One more chorus of 'Kumbaya' and I'm gonna blow chunks!"
13. "Man, I see the Washington Monument in a whole new light"
12. "Excuse me -- When does Minister Farrakhan come on?"
11. "I'm more of a Promise Breaker. I'm just came for the free nachos."
10. "Somebody get some ice, Senator Thurmond's beginning to decompose."
9. "Say, brother, is that a covenant in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
8. "One more hug from you, Bob, and I PROMISE I'll kick your ass!"
7. "Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
6. "Promise, Schmomise -- where's all the babes?"
5. "Oh great... They bring a million bibles, but only twenty rolls of toilet paper."
4. "I haven't seen so many men cry since Pamela Anderson left Baywatch."
3. "Lord of mercy, all these people and no one to convert."
2."Hey, isn't that Waldo?"
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally...
1. "I love you, man! But you're not getting my Budweiser."

If Star Trek Were Real Life

Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity and selfishness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology On Star Trek, the doctors have hand held devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your butt shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter, It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies. "Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday."
Holodeck, For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage. If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Phasers, I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession space defense is credible. Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity. Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
Shields, I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with. I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up:
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.

Good luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed outside his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon "

12 inch BIC

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

The Analysis

One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow is still sore. I guess I'll hafta go see my doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that! There's a new computer down at the drugstore that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. You just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00!" Ken figured, why not? He filled a jar with his urine and went to the drugstore. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited his $10.00. The computer started making noises and various lights flashed, then after a minute, out popped a slip of paper. On the paper was written:

You have tennis elbow, Soak your arm in warm water,
Avoid heavy lifting It will be better in two weeks.

That evening Ken continued to marvel at this amazing technology and how it would change medical science forever. Then he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drugstore, located the machine, poured in the mixture and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made its noises and flashed its lights. After a minute out came a much longer slip of paper. On it was this analysis:

Your tap water is too hard, Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms, Get medicine from the Vet.
Your daughter is using cocaine, Get her into rehabilitation.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls, They aren't yours, Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better.

Condom Sense

Two old women were sitting on a park bench, chatting and smoking cigarettes. Suddenly, the skies opened up, and it began to pour with rain. One of the little old ladies reached into her bag, rummaged around a bit and pulled out a condom. She carefully opened the wrapper and slipped the condom over her cigarette. She was able to continue smoking as she chatted with her friend. Old lady No. 2 was quite impressed and asked her friend what it was that she had placed over her cigarette. "This is a condom, and you can buy them in any drugstore." Old lady No. 2 hurried off to the nearest pharmacy and peered over the top of the pharmacist's counter. She made her request, and the pharmacist, somewhat taken aback asked, "What size would you like?" The woman scratched her gray head and replied, "Makes no difference to me as long as it fits a Camel."

Buying Condoms at Aisle 3

A 60-year-old man goes into a big drugstore and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says "Sure! What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3, PLEASE. EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Next, a 30-year-old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." She says, "Just let me check." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3, PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3, PLEASE. CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3"

Q & A

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in a turkey.

How do you get an elephant out of the Safeway Grocery Supermarket?
Take out the S in the word "Safe" and the F out the the word "Way."

What's old,wrinkled and smells like ginger?
Fred Astaire's face.

Which of the following doesn't belong? ...Meat, eggs, wife or blow job? A blow job, because you can beat your wife, eggs or meat, but you can't beat a blow job.

Why did Helen Keller use two hands to masturbate?
One to do it, the other to moan.

Why does Miss Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for twats.

If God didn't mean for man to eat pussy, why did he make it look like a taco?

What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in your bathtub?
Throw the laundry in.

How can you tell when a girl is horny?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like a horse eating oats.

How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

How can you tell if your girlfriend is too fat?
If she sits on your face and you can't hear the radio.

What did the nun say to the priest who was teaching her how to swim?
"Father, will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

What was Moby Dick's father's name?
Papa Boner.

What's blue and comes in brownies?
Cub Scouts.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
The joystick is wet.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)? "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? Because she blows the horn!

Why don't schools in Alabama teach driver's ed. and sex ed. in the same day?
It's too much work on the horse.

What do you call a turtle with a hard-on?
A slow poke.

Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
Air supply to the brain.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Do you know what it's called when three hundred men white men chase, a black man?
The PGA

Lists & Quotes

Rodney's Lines

THESE ARE GUARANTEED TO PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE---but YOU HAVE TO READ THEM ALL AT ONE TIME-----

A girl phoned me the other day and said, Come on over, there's nobody home.
I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off Tuesday.

One day as I came home early from work and I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy Hey, buddy, why are you doing that? He said, because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, if you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said, "Alright. You're ugly, too!"

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said. Look - ins!

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

And we were poor, too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Theory on Management

When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football ...

When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis ...

When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf ...

Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

Some Popular Philosophies

Man who screw girl on hillside, not on the level.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
He who walks through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who puts dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers!!

Top 10 Ways the Tobacco Companies Can Improve Their Image

(from the Letterman show 5/7/97)

10. Sponsor inspirational youth singing group: The Nic-O-Teens.
9. On all tobacco warning labels, randomly insert the word "wacky."
8. Start selling something a little less dangerous, like crack.
7. Distribute bumper-stickers that read "I'd rather be coughing."
6. Have Marlboro man come out of the closet.
5. In all public statements, replace the word "tobacco" with the much funnier sounding "tobacky."
4. Offer troubled teens "guns for smokes" trade-in.
3. New series of ads in which Joe Camel wears "The patch."
2. Replace surgeon general's warning with, "smoke up, you crazy bastards!"
1. Re-name nicotine "Vitamin N."

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
And the number one reason!
1.You can do the whole neighborhood!!

Letterman's TOP TEN Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMM........ I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the #1 Thing That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Isn't:
1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits there.

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his goods.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Women understand us better than we thought. . .

"Men get laid, but women get screwed"
- Quentin Crisp (english writer)

"When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows"
- Frederick Ryder

"Women need a reason to have sex--men just need a place."
- Billy Crystal.

"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?"
- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you."
- Mrs. Patrick Campbell(English actress)

"Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette."
- Ernestyne White

"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
- Sanskrit proverb

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

"We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation."
- Jane Wagner

"MARCH ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S IN LIKE A LION, OUT LIKE A LAMB."
- Anonymous

"Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last."
- Remy de Gourmant (french writer)

"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses"
- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment"
- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."
- Lyndon B. Johnson

"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"
- Carrie Snow

"You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate."

- Carrie Snow Pick up lines

1- Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2- Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw
3- Just call me milk, I'll do your body good
4- Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
5- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock 6- That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too
7- If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous
8- Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants
9- I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter
10- If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town
11- Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

What's your sign?

X-Rated----Very strong language!!!! I recommend you read your sign first, before seeing the others.

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think your are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Dr. Seuss' Lesser-Known Books

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Are You My Proctologist?
12. Yentl the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
14. Aunt's in My Pants
15. Oh the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
16. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
17. The Grinch's Ten Inches

A Survey; If a Woman had a Penis for a Day

A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and found they had a penis for a day. The following responses were taken from the survey:

1) I would walk around and prod him all night long with it. Whatever he is doing, I'd be there prodding him with it.
2) I would write my name in the snow.
3) I would go into my boss' office, lay it on his desk, and say, "Where is my raise?"
4) I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him, and tell him to roll over and try something new.
5) I would want a big one so I could show it off to everyone.
6) I would grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
7) I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
8) I would measure it both ways.
9) I would pee off of a tall building.
10) I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
11) I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.
12) I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
13) I would love it, and squeeze it, and play with it all day long.
14) I would demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.
15) I would pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.
16) I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot. 17) I would go into an adult bookstore and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what works the best.
18) I would jump up and down so I could watch it swing all around. 19) I would see how many donuts I could carry with it.
20) I would check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes.

Two Most Embarrasing Moments Seen in New Women's Magazine---

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now* I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee las night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
-Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

How to Identify where a Driver is From:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: Californiawith gun in lap...in LAX.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Iowa, but driving in California.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Houston, Texas

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Dallas, Texas

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

A car doing 110 miles an hour, swearing about the traffic at 5am in the San Francisco Bay Area and black ice in Tahoe, listening to country music very loud, and thinking anyone from California is crazy: Winnemucca, Nevada

Little Johnny in class

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Propper Grammar Day

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Friday Question

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby. See 'ya on Tuesday!"

Sexual Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

An old man, a young boy and...

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow.
Old man says "I'll get my hat."

Famous Quotes

One Friday morning in Hillsborough, CA, a young teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She began with, "This was England's finest hour." 10 year old Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher. You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish, another young lady belted out, "John F. Kennedy!" "Very good" said the teacher, "You may go." Plainly Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, 10 year old Leo said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon hearing this, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Grinning from ear to ear, Leo rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. See you Monday."

Campain

A guy runs out of gas on Highway 17. He can't find a call box, but luckily a truck stops by. "Need a lift?" asks the driver. "Yeah." replies the man. "First, are you voting for Al Checchi for Governor." The stranded man says, "No, Gray Davis." The car speeds off. A black Hummer pulls up and driving it is a guy with diamonds on his fingers, smoking a big cigar. "Looking for a ride? " Yep," replies the stranded man. "Are you voting for Al Checchi in the Gubentorial election tomorrow?" Thinking fast, he says: " Jane Harman?" The guy speeds away. On Highway 17, he waits, and to his best luck, a Porsche pulls up. In the Porsche is a long-legged, absolutely gorgeous blonde wearing a very tight, extremely short leather mini-skirt. "Need a ride? " "Oh yeah," replies the man. "Okay, but first who are you voting for Governor tomorrow" " Al Checchi, " he responds. " I'm voting for Al Checchi." "Hop in," she says, smiling at him. Suddenly, right before Lake Vasona, he bursts out in laughter. "What's so funny?" she asks. Well," says the man, "I've only been in Al Checchi's camp for five minutes and already I feel like screwin' somebody!"

Kids

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence with wide-eyes, soaking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great... he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a schmuck...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it!. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!" The parrot said nothing. "Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. Meyer marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Jewish Fly

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen. He is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her. He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish Fly in the back. The bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder. He says to the man, "We are all out of Spanish Fly, but this is Jewish Fly, and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" The man forks over $10 and asks the bartender to mix the Jewish Fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his compliments. The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather disinterestedly, but about 20 minutes later she slinks off her barstool. She saunters across the room in a most seductive manner, oozing sensuality. She reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his ear. He can feel her breath on his neck as she whispers, "Hey big boy .. want to go shopping?"

Cultural Differences

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Polish men and 1 polish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.......
The 1 Italian man has killed the other for the Italian woman
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
The 2 American men decide to vote on who gets the woman. The vote ends up a dead heat and both are currently awaiting the results of a runoff...
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The two Polish men couldn't find the Polish woman.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few pints of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Camping Alert

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement : In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. Grizzly droppings are easily identified :they have tiny bells.

The Genie

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a tampon.

Song

To the tune of Our Favorite Things, from the Sound of Music...

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our passover things.

Matzah and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with whellbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

The other occupant

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How did you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied John. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, said 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

I'm very hi-tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck." Besides it's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."

Valuable Vocabulary Chart

Greetings" How the fuck are you?"
Fraud" I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay" Oh, fuck it."
Trouble" Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression" Fuck you."
Disgust" Fuck me."
Confusion" What the fuck...?"
Difficulty" I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair" Fucked again."
Exasperation" For fuck's sake."
Enjoyment" This is fucking great."
Hostility" I'm going to knock your fucking head off."
Stupidity" Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"
Incompetence" He's such a fuck-up."
Ignorance" Fuck if I know."
Displeasure" What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost" Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief" Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation" Up your fucking ass."
Surprise" Fuckin A!"
Surprise "Well, I'll be fucked."
Suspicion" What the fuck are you doing?"
Contempt" Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"

Famous quotes:

"What the fuck was that?" --Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" --General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" --Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." --John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" --Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." --Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." --Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" --Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" --Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" --Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." --Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" --Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" --Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." --Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." --John F. Kennedy

The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word FUCK! Use it regularly in your daily speech. It will add to your prestige

Sexual statistics

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Circumcised

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

All drugs have a generic name

Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Aspirin is acetylsalicylic acid
And so on...

So what's the generic name for Viagra?
- Mycoxafailin

Africa

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.

" Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock.

"That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks.
Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari hunting, and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!"

Blow job rate

A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Winnemucca. In the coach were a cowboy, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blow job." The cowboy looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn between the running lights. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The cowboy holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blow job goes for two dollars."

The Seven Dwarves

The Seven Dwarves were on vacation and visiting the Vatican. While there they were noticed by a priest who came over to them and said "Are you guys really the actual Seven Dwarves?" Happy replied "Yes we are, the real and only Seven Dwarves" The priest then asked "If you guys are really the Seven Dwarves, the Pope will want to meet you. Would you like to meet the Pope?" The dwarves were thrilled to have the chance to meet the Pope so they quickly agreed. The priest led them into a private waiting area where they waited until the Pope came in to meet them. The Pope said "I am so happy to meet you guys, I have been a fan of yours for years!" Doc replied "Thank you very much Your Eminence, and while we are here do you mind if we ask you to settle an argument for us?" "Certainly not, ask your question" said the Pope. It was Grumpy who then asked "Ok, here is what we need to know. Are there any dwarf nuns at the Vatican?" The Pope replied "Sorry, there are no dwarf nuns here I'm sorry to say." Doc then asked "Well, how about elsewhere in Europe? Any dwarf nuns anywhere in Europe?" The pope whispered something to his aide and the aide shook his head no. "I am afraid that there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in Europe that we know of". Dopey jumped in and asked "There must be some dwarf nuns somewhere!" The Pope shook his head and said "The truth is that there are no dwarf nuns in our faith anywhere at this time, sorry" The Seven Dwarves all gathered around Dopey yelled "We told you! Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

RETIREMENT

My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when,
of its own accord,
From my trousers
it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job
Just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.

For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its head in shame
And watch me tie my shoes.

Vets

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet & said to the vet: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up & has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's fucking heavy," says the vet.

Blind date

A guy has a blind date with a girl and they go to a carnival. "What would you like to do first?" said the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. So they went over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it said 117. So she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When they finished the ride, the man again asked the girl what she would like to do. I want to get weighed." she again responded. So they went back to the weight guesser, and since they were there before, he guessed her correct weight and she won nothing. The couple walked around some more and again the guy asked her what she wanted to do. Again, "Get weighed!" The guy figured she was really weird and dropped her off early with just a handshake. The girl went inside and her roommate asked her "How did it go?" The girl responded, "Wousy"

An oldie, but a goodie.

Two women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes." he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great" he said, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

An Italian Vacation Instructions for reading:

---- Read in an Italian accent.
I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy !

Single

A man walks round a supermarket. As he goes through the different sections he picks up one of everything: one tin of beans, one carrot, one potato, one pint of milk, one pizza, one juice, one apple, one box of crackers, one bag of chips, etc. He gets to the checkout and the girl says "I bet your single, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you guess?" he replies. "Cause you're such an ugly son of a bitch." she says.

Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other tree replies that he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. One tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a peck at the small tree. He replies, "It is neither, a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Pet store

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a gonif...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it!. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. One morning, on Rosh Hashonah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was no place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say,they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he refused to allow a bird into the schul on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish nor Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!" The parrot said nothing. "Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, angry, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Dates

Molly: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before an answer I give him."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffer and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner...Marvelous dinner. Kosher even. Then ve go se a show.... let me tell you Molly, I enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ! So then we are coming back to my apartment, an into an ANIMAL he turns.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!"

Molly: "Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you do, you should wear a shmatta."

Al Davis's Recruiting Examination

Time Limit: 3 Weeks ( pen or pencil or crayon is acceptable )

Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? ___ (a) Jewish ___ (b) Catholic ___ (c) Hindu ___ (d) Polish ___ (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)_______

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners ___ (b) Southerners ___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and
Clinton Bush: ____________________________________________ Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from? ___ (a) Macy's ___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada ___ (d) the sky

12. Do you know the name of the U.S. President? ___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. Is Vice-President Al Gore the Vice-President of the United States?
Yes______ No________

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Do you take your hat off when the National Anthem is played? Yes_______ No________ I Don't Wear a Hat________

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York ___ (b) Florida ___ (c) Canada ___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. Does John Madden announce on:
Fox (channel, the football network )__________
MTV ( the music television station )________
HBO ( the move channel )__________

21. Do you like Al Davis? Yes_________ Yes_________

22. Are you a fan of the 49ers? No__________ No__________

23. Do you know your right had from your left hand? ( you have three minutes to answer this ) Yes_______ No _______
Need more Time: _______

24. It is the first down, and you need ten more yards, if given the football, what would you do?
Run________ Throw_______
Catch________ All of the Above_______

25. Oakland is ( Choose one ) :
Near Alameda__________
Next to Piedmont_________
In Northern California_______
A city in the United States_______

26. The Mayor of Oakland is:
Jerry Brown______ Pat Brown _______ Willie Brown _______
All of the Above______ None of the Above_____ I really could care less___________

*You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify to become an Oakland Raider.

Story with a moral

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'. 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'. The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Today's Stock Market

Report Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Welcome Home

In 1921 my grandparents emigrated from Russia due to the pogroms driving the Jews out of the country. Their emergence was adventurous in itself. Eventually they arrived at the docks. Everyone who was boarding the boats for America had to show fifty dollars before they were allowed into America. My uncle, who was in America, sent the money to my grandparents. While they were boarding the boat my grandfather noticed a little boy crying hysterically. My grandfather went over to him. The boy told my grandfather that he lost his money and would not be allowed into the country. My grandfather gave the small boy, whose name was Isadore Feterman, his fifty dollars. Once they arrived in America my grandfather had to contact my uncle and tell him that he needed more money. My grandfather had to wait several days. Eventually everyone was allowed in the United States. Fifteen years later my grandfather was at his junk shop. A limousine pulled up and out came two men. They asked for Benjamin Lasensky. My grandfather replied that it was he. The man introduced himself as Isadore Feterman and handed a blank check to my grandfather. He said "I owe my success and happiness in America to you. Fill the check to whatever amount you desire," (Isadore was a well-known millionaire.) My grandfather called my uncle and told him. My uncle said "Just fill it out for the fifty dollars we gave him." Some years passed and they lost touch again. Several years later, my grandfather's cousin was living in New York where Isadore Feterman lived. It was my grandfather's 85th birthday. My grandfather's cousin looked up Mr. Feterman and invited him to my grandfather's party. He replied, "I wouldn't miss it for the world." So, Isadore Feterman came to Granpa's 85th birthday party and it was a pleasant surprise for my grandfather. Isadore told everyone there the story of how he came to America.

In today's business enviroment

In today's business environment we must make note of the strategies and profound insights given to us by our war veterans. The Rules of Combat 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire 4. The easy way is always mined. 5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them. 8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at 9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 10.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 11.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 12.When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 13.When in doubt empty the magazine. 14.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 15.Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. 16.Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, then you can't get out. 17.Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 18.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 19.Never fire your flame thrower at the enemy helicopter hovering above your fox hole. 20.If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: OAKLAND RAIDERETT'S IN THE NUDE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: STORY CAN BE TOLD: TROY AIKMAN IS GAY! Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY