Jokes about Irish, Jewish and Bars

IRISH

Father O'Reilley is the only priest in the lonely parish in the Yukon. Bishop McNeill visits him to see how he's doing. Bishop McNeil says, " I admire the work you do with the fishermen, miners, Indians and campers; how do you do it in such a lonely place?" O'Reilley says, "As long as I have my ROSARY and a couple of martinis, I'm happy. Would you like a martini Bishop?" "Sure," says McNeill. "Rosary, will you make a couple of martinis for us??

The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed

15. Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke."
14. Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.
13. Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.
12. Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the night-life!" T-shirt.
11. You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.
10. Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it "Yom Shakur."
9. As far as you know, circumcisions don't "grow back."
8. Doesn't know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.
7. She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises. 6. Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."
5. Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.
4. Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.
3. His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.
2. "And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the temple, there'll be four more months of summer."
and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed...
1. Took off all of *last* month for Ramadan.

Gimme A Whiskey

Little Johnny walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. The barmaid looks at Johnny and says," Hey, you're just a kid! Do you want to get me in trouble?" Johnny replies," Maybe in a couple of years, but for now I'll just take a whiskey."

An Irishman and a Pumpkin

An Irishman is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The Irishman looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

Golfer and a Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Drunk Irishman

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now...where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's Willie is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!"

Bathroom Torture

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at? The bartender said, "go down the hall & make a right."

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!!!"

I Believe I Can Fly

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar." "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again".
And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the heck.
OK, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!....ends up as a grease-spot on the sidewalk below. After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk".

Irish Drunks

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:
"Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

Showdown at the Vatican

Please note you have to read this and not skip anything to get to the meaning of this story.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then...?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Hey, Hey big spender

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

Two orthodox Jews

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get." "See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth." A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off. "What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left." "What did he say?" "He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."

Bar Talk

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even HAVE a penis!"

Luck of the Irish

Luck of the Irish? During World War II, the captured allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. Prisoners Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan had planned for months to acquire two steel files and now finally possessed them! On this particular night, they had chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. Stealthily they slithered to the gate with perfect timing so the guard was not near. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German replied, "Sorry for you, but I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."

Public School

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

Speaking part

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

Bar

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Home for the Aged

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Jewish Home for the Aged in Florida, are curious about the latest arrival in their building, a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

ATM

A "joke" that is told in Israel...Is that whenever anyone goes to the ATM Machine...people say it's amazing...you "pray" at the wall...and money comes Out

Jewish Holiday

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

Gossip

Four Jewish ladies are sitting around playing Mah Jongg. The first lady says, "you know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest, I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The next lady says, "well, since we are having a true confessions here, I am a nymphomaniac, but don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands, they don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." Well, says the third lady, " I too must confess something, I am a lesbian, but do not worry, I will not hit on you, you are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make also.... I am a Yenta (gossip) and I have some phone calls to make."

Jewish

A Jewish mother was walking her children when she was asked how old they were "The lawyer is three and the doctor is six".

A Jewish mother was standing at the seashore screaming "help! help! my son the DOCTOR is drowning!!"

How many people does a Jewish Princess need to change a light bulb? Three -- One to hold the ladder, another to hold her diet Pepsi and a third to fetch her Daddy.

Ah... but how many people does a Jewish mother need to change the same light bulb? Nobody, because for a Jewish mother it's good enough to sit in the dark.

Rabbi

A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young goy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50.00, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first as well. At the end of the day the goy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats. "So where's the money?" she said. "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost." "You fool! Chateau is a house; Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't matter," he said, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke...

English

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Shoot me first

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish. "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour ninety minutes long tops." They promise to grant him the wish, "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to the shul president. "Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "shoot me first!"

A NINE WORD SUMMARY OF ALL JEWISH HOLIDAYS

They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Jewish Holiday

In honor of the Jewish Holiday of Passover, which begins Friday night at Sundown, we bring you todays jokes on Jewish Holiday practices. Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia --Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
Seventeenth of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Nine days of Av -- Don't eat meat. Might be OK to eat cheescake or blintzes.
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

Emergency Brake

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

Helga

It was a hot day at Manifest Leasing in Minnesota. Helga decided she would leave the credit department early, rather than take all the heat in her non-air conditioned office. The town is small, so she walked home. "Gudness, it's hot," she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "vy nodt?" Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have. Helga said, "Yanno, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a colt beer." The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?" Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker?

Tashlich

Tashlich is celebrated on the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah. You go to a running body of water, it can be a stream, creek or river, etc. and with a stone, or crumbs of bread, you say a little prayer and throw your misdeeds of the year into the running water symbolized by the bread, etc.

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:

For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For Jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For excessive use of irony with regard to the old Soviet Union, Russian Rye
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For promiscuity with a Christian, Hot Cross Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
L'Shana tovah

Rosh Hashanah

In honor of Rosh Hashanah - The Jewish New Year which begins Sunday at sundown, we present the following joke.

A SHANNA TOVA (Happy New Year) to all of our Jewish Joke members around the world.
NOTE: The Jewish High Holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) are the two major holidays where most Jews around the world attend synagogue.
Because the synagogues become so crowded, there is assigned seating to keep it orderly. Getting "good" seats is always a challenge - and here is a letter from the president of the synagogue to its members.

Dear Member,

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue.

In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible:

1. I would prefer to sit in the:
___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which subcategory do you prefer?
___ Stock market
___ My neighbors
___ Sports
___ My relatives
___ Medicine
___ The rabbi
___ General gossip
___ The cantor
___ Specific gossip
___ The gabbai
___ Fashion news
___ The Prime Minister
___ Sex
___ Other (Please Specify)

3. Which of the following would you like to be near so that you might receive free professional advice:
___ Lawyer
___ Accountant
___ Doctor
___ Stockbroker
___ Chiropractor
___ Real estate agent
___ Sexologist
___ Dentist

3. I want a seat located
___ near my in-laws
___ near the pulpit
___ far from my in-laws
___ near the Kiddish table
___ far from my ex-in-laws
___ near the exit

4. I wish to be seated in a seat where:

___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza (a curtain or wall separating men and women)
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse over the mechitza ___ No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
___ I can sleep during services
___ I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
___ I am in the leasing business, so no need to pass the envelope.
___ I am a disc jockey, so I will be "on air", from my home, so I don't have to travel.
_____ I am a disc jockey, and will attend the service via the internet.
_____ I am only doing this for my wife, but I will stay awake.
_____ I am only here to meet Bill Clinton, as this is the only place the press cannot find us.

Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
______a. My ex-wife
______ b. Her attorney
______ c. my attorney
______ d. my dentist
______ e. Kenneth Starr
______ f. Newt Gingerich
______ g. Regis and Kathy Lee
Your name: __________________
Phone number: _______________

THE FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT

THE FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.

She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble ... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd ..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle ... it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab ... it's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice ... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"

She responds, "Well ... all right ... I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia ... so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ........... the other one."

Little old lady

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up the seat. The girl then takes out a fan and fans herself. The woman looks up And says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. Her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?" "Chutzpah," she replies.

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Jewish dietary law

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. Always whisper the names of diseases.
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
And what's wrong with dry turkey?
A good kugel sinks in mercury.
If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.